Ok? Ok.

I am unable to sleep. I can’t stop thinking about you. I cannot stop feeling the thick layer of guilt that has taken up residence in my person since that night. Each time I have reached out to you has been a testament to how far I have come in recent years. A few years…

Pin

When I think of myself… nay, when I look at myself, I see all the things I would like to change rather than the pieces that fit together properly; the list is long and only seems to grow. I am drowning in shame. My heart is broken a little. I still don’t know how to…

beds

This week, I bought a new bed (mattress). I had one of my moments when I cannot shake a thought and must follow through with whatever it is that comes to mind. This happened when I moved into my last apartment, when I bought my home, etc. For me, these are God moments. I can’t…

tar

It is really frustrating to have moments of acknowledged progress followed by realizations of stagnation. Argh! In innocently corresponding with a former acquaintance, I was able to open up to him because I instantly deemed myself to be someone he is not interested in; which is to say, I subconsciously deem myself unworthy of people…

i am feeling.

I am far enough on my journey to be able to recognize things I need to change, but not far enough to change them all at the point of recognition. *** This moment sucks. To make the decision to be vulnerable with another human being is a big deal. To essentially be placed on time…

mess

A mysterious sadness has crept into my life and taken shelter for the past several days. The root of this sadness has caused me to feel uneasy. I am trying to distract myself from all the stuff… so much stuff I have to work my way through. The idea of this task is both overwhelming…

what would life be like…

…if I could just connect with others without second-guessing myself every step of the way? What would life be like if one singular moment were removed from my history? This week is like emotional overload for me. Between work, church, the journey to healing and my inability to clear my mind of thoughts of Sergeant,…

struggle

For as long as I can remember, struggle has been a part of my life. I have struggled. I am struggling. I may struggle in the future. I want to curl up into a ball under a blanket and lock the world out. But I don’t. I fight. I persevere. I can’t explain it, but…

disconnected

When I hear my friends talk about their difficult families or friendships, I am unable to relate to them in the sense that I believe that it is a choice to have negative people in your life. I have had no problem cutting people out of my life when they only bring negativity to my…

you are loved…

…and missed. I am trying to find what contentment in my single time feels like; to embrace the life I have without subconsciously waiting for you. Yet it still happens. I think of you when I meet new people. I think of you when I consider dating. I think of you on nights I decide…